And I'm not just talking about hobbies like writing poetry or writing music. Burnout is harming me in my academics.
Before I go for a rant, maybe I have to define what 'burnout' really is. A really quick Google search defines it as a state of emotional, physics and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Thanks helpguide.org!
That's exactly what I've been feeling. The stress of everything crashing down, and by everything I mean myself in the exam hall watching the words and numbers swirl into a jumble of ink. The very real possibility of failing classes in university is taking a toll on me. Normally, I do well with failure, but the stakes are really high. My only concern is maintaining my scholarship.
Reading the conditions of my scholarship, all I really have to do is maintain a minimum grade of C-, which is, in theory, really and should be possible. Hell, all I need is to barely pass and I keep the scholarship. Now you're wondering what I'm afraid of, if all I have to do is just do the literal bare minimum. My answer is that I don't feel like I know anything. I don't feel like I've retained anything that I've learnt the past 9 weeks (as of writing this post).
Here's an overview of my classes and my opinions on them:
Latin 100G (the G stands for a general education class) - this class should have been the easiest class considering that it's not a class relevant to math or physics, but hell, I'm scratching a B- at the moment. There's so much damn memorization that I cannot keep up. And mind you, I'm very invested in the language and how the translation process works, and how the words decline and conjugate and whatnot, but the memorization!
CompSci 101 (yes I'm a third year student doing two stage one classes, sue me) - this class is actually quite a breeze, I'm really having fun with the content. It's a great refresher on what I'm supposed to be doing with Python as a physicist. Honestly, if I don't pass this class, it's the most embarrassing in the world.
Physics 331 - this class is about classical mechanics and relativistic electrodynamics. Great topics on paper, an even worse thing when you have to learn about it, do assignments about it and be drowned in a sea of Greek poetry. I will not lie, I really love physics, and I love the lecturers, really great people, comedic and effective. But the content itself, I really thought that I would have engaged more with it that I do right now. It's not by far the hardest, nor is it the easiest, but I just don't understand why I'm just not clicking with it.
Mathematics 361 - this class is about partial differential equations, or PDEs for short. If you haven't guessed it by now, the class is about how to solve equations that have partial derivatives. Perhaps a picture of a popular equation might be of interest to you:
That, my friends, is the infamous and notorious Schrodinger's equation, the equation of quantum mechanics. It is a pain in the ass, if I do say so myself. And that is the reason why I'm taking the PDE class, because most, if not all, of physics, is just partial differential equations. It's just everywhere, I tell you.
You might be thinking, well, if physics is full of those equations, then I must be alright with the class. You think wrong. In fact, if you don't know me by now, my problem (which could be a blessing in disguise) is that I prefer and tend to ruminate over problems instead of solving them instantly. That is my primary reason why I hate and tend not to do well in exam settings. It's not that I'm dumb (no one is dumb) but if I had spent more time with the problem I'll give you an answer.
On a quite relevant side note: why do exams have to exist? Like seriously? There's no real life situation where I'm needed to solve ten questions in a span of two and a half hours. I'm not going into the apocalypse prevention department or the Guinness World Records - I'm just living my life normally as a physicist. Why can't we just do away with exams and give credit for the work that we actually do in assignments and other projects? If we want to foster a collaborative setting within academics, exams should not exist. For that matter, grades shouldn't be a part of the school system at all. Seriously, it only fosters competition at such an early age, so much so that we are preventing children from actually engaging with the subjects.
I could go on about how much I hate the grading system and exams, but all that just contributes to the burnout I've been having the past weeks. I cannot focus, I am mentally and physically unwell. I cannot breathe through my nostrils and I toss and turn in bed. I am a mess and my bedroom reflects that. I cannot sit and enjoy the silence in the dark as I used to because of the impeding doom that I will inevitably face when I enter the exam hall.
In reflecting, I realize that I have never been this nervous or anxious before. It's the stakes, it has to be the stakes. It's either I barely pass my classes and keep my scholarship or I don't pass any class and lose my scholarship. If I lose my scholarship, I would most likely have to pay back the university how much they have given me the past three years. That's going to add on to my debt because I evidently do not have any money of any kind. If I never had a scholarship to begin with, I wouldn't be able to afford my laptop and tablet that I use daily in my studies. I would probably live life a little less digitally, and I probably would be able to retake classes without the stress of dramatically increasing my student debt.
But I do not want to retake classes. I do not want to fail. So what am I doing to remedy this whole situation? Nothing. If I have not told you before, I have a postdoc in Applied Procrastination (no matter how oxymoronic that sounds). I have spent time doing absolutely nothing, and I have mastered it to a degree that surpasses all human understanding. I am the god of procrastinations and all idle minds and bodies worship me. I am too advanced in this field of research that it is going out of its way to stall my other work in progress, which is getting a PhD in physics. And I really, really, need that BSc in physics if I want to get there.
How do I get there? Don't fail classes. Easier said than done. And mind you, I haven't even done the most stressful classes yet. Imagine my luck when semester two starts. Yay me!
(PS. The title of this post is a genuine question.)
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